I don’t know how it’s been 7 months. I don’t want to be a counter, I don’t want to count time passed because it’s only going to ever get longer. But like everyone who has experienced loss, we are counters whether we like it or not.
There are days when I think “Holy sh*t he’s really not coming back” that alternate with days I feel like I have a handle on all of this. Working on Dad’s case doesn’t help much with grieving. In a case like this you relive that day over and over and over. You ask yourself if it’s worth the pain to bring the truth to light.
It is. In the end, it will make a big difference in the lives of others.
For a week I got to escape all of it though, in Florida. While Luc took his first solo trip to Disney, Curt and I traveled parallel to him (just in case) and stayed at the same resort. While Luc adventured at Disney we adventured in the swim bike run fashion we love so much.
It was great for all of us.
On Sunday we hopped into a race put on by Sommer Sports in Clermont. I hopped into the Intermediate DIstance Aquabike, and Curt took on the sprint triathlon.
My running injury is resolved, I am running, running well, yet I am not confident in my running just yet. It’s been too start and stop, so I committed to a season of aquabike while I build my run slowly and properly.
Admittedly I didn’t want to jump into the race. I brought my road bike to Florida, not my time trial bike. No aero bars, no race wheels. I have never NOT raced on my TT bike.
I immediately checked myself “You aren’t that special kid, it’s a race.” I said. I leaned into curiosity. What WOULD it feel like to time trial on a road bike? Totally old school?
The race was held in Minneola State Park. The water was above 80 and non wetsuit. It was hot. I love the heat. It used to cripple me, but I realized that I gave it too much thought and too much power. Over the past several years I have really learned to handle it mentally and physically. It was amazing to just hop into the water and it was WARM!
I loved everything about the event. It was the host to an incredible contingency of Special Olympic Athletes. I haven’t seen such a large group of SO athletes, guides and fans. I think this is their club, and it was an honor to race with all of them.
The swim was two loops and I think I was able to lead out of the water for the women. The bike course was a two looper around Lake Minneola and I loved it. Racing on my road bike felt VERY different. I could definitely feel the difference, but it was such a good opportunity to work with that disadvantage and race as hard as I could and corner well. On my TT bike I can pedal back on a dropped chain, on my road bike for some reason I can’t, and while it’s been ages since I dropped a chain, I did! Another good opportunity to work on fixing the issue and moving on.
I learned that regardless of what bike I am racing on, how hot it is, who is on the course, who I am racing against… I love it. I absolutely LOVE it. It’s the feeling of being in the air. A chance to push myself, test myself, and help others reach for their own personal bests as well.
I was able to come across the line 2nd overall female. I didn’t check results but I think we also beat the men. I felt good, especially after a week of great training in the Florida heat.
I loved being able to truly step away from everything. As many trips I have been on through the last few months, it was during this one I was finally able to disconnect. And then connect.
These past 7 months have not been easy. This whole past year, oh my god. We are coming upon the anniversary of when the sh*t really began to hit the fan and I am doing a lot of deep work with my grief therapist to make sure I am dealing with all that has happened.
At the same time, I am feeling ready to chase a rather big goal. My training has literally been “whatever” these past 7 months, and it’s worked. While I know the enemy to a good plan is a better one, I know Dad would challenge me to ask myself…. If that’s the case am I possibly afraid of going all in on something? Then I ask myself, am I really ready to go all in?
As I keep asking myself that only one answer comes to mind.