I’m not a New Year’s Resolution kind of person. I am not even a “year in review” one. I relentlessly look forward. There is this saying that … the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror. That’s me. It’s not that I don’t take stock in past experiences, or review and learn from them, I do that all the time. I just don’t do it per Hallmark’s calendar.
With all of that being said, 2024 feels wide open for some reason.
It’s been 2 years since my Dad was killed, and much of the past 2 years involved everything that surrounded that, plus the journey of grief. Death itself is complicated, add in the “how” and multiply it by a hundred, and that’s where I have been. With all of that now being handled, I have this wide open space. With so many vibrant feelings.
Possibility. My Dad loved to sit back and think (and talk) about possibility. For the past few months as that dust has settled, I feel incredible possibility outlined with curiosity all around me. I don’t know if that’s wisdom gained through another year older, the peace we eventually feel on the other side of trauma, or the just plan promise of a new day.
Abundance. If I have learned nothing else through the past 2 years, I have learned love on multiple levels. I have learned who would show up for me on a Tuesday, and who would just show up. As I would for them. Enduring tragedy allows love to be crystal clear and I have grabbed onto those people so tightly.
Gratitude. Gosh this word feels so overused and cliche. I could also say appreciate, but there truly isn’t anything strong enough to convey what I feel towards the people who have held me up when I couldn’t stand. There were so many days I coudn’t stand and throughout the journey of…. handling the situation surrounding my Dad’s killing….. there were so many days that an email, phone call, or something would just bring me to my knees all over again.
Creativity. Now that there is this wide open space I feel the need to create again, I haven’t felt that in so long. While I have been writing all along, it’s time to really write. And we have started podcasting again. It feels amazing to not have any need to be perfect or the best, but just to be me. (Check it out here).
Compete. While I am supposed to stand on my triathlon mountain and proclaim 2024 will be “EPIC”, I have quietly been working for the better part of 2 years, for this very season. I get to hit a big milestone age and I am so honored. I get to travel with my family and friends and I get to turn myself inside out on race courses that I love. I have been so fortunate to have been an athlete since I was 3, and for the past 25 years multisport has been my blood. Seasons have ebbed and flowed and some seasons, you just look so forward to seeing what you are capable of, what is out there, and coming back to it…. what is possible.
I think if we stand at the front of a new year and hope for a “good one”, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. We have good days, we have terrible days, we can’t always control that. We can control how we react. Sometimes we react by crawling under the covers with ice cream, and other days we stand taller and keep marching forward.
Dad used to teach me not to worry, for the things we tend to worry so much about, are never the things that happen. His death was a prime example of that. It couldn’t have come more out of left field than it did. And while there have been many days I have crawled under the sheets, I hold my promise to him front of mind, that I get back up and I march forward every damn day.
We only get to do all of this once, so let’s not waste it treating ourselves like enemies and enemies like friends. Let’s see what we can lean into, who we can lean on, and who can lean on us.
And as the old saying goes “It’s the possibility that keeps me going… never the guarantee”.
Happy New Year.