I don’t know how it’s been 7 months. I don’t want to be a counter, I don’t want to count time passed because it’s only going to ever get longer. But like everyone who has experienced loss, we are counters whether we like it or not. There are days when I think “Holy sh*t he’s really not coming back” that alternate with days I feel like I have a handle on all of this. Working on Dad’s case doesn’t...
It was a running joke on every swim team I was on, in every lane I was in. If I was leading the lane and the repeat was greater than 100 yards, we would be in trouble. Inevitably I would lose count over a 200. For a long time I cursed myself on my inability to count laps in the pool. I remember apologizing to my college swim coach, “I am sorry, I just lose track over 8 lengths”. “Never lose...
“Time does not heal grief, it just teaches you how to wear it” This quote came across my Instagram feed one day, hitting home in the most direct way. I am learning the truth of this, I am feeling the truth of this. Some days are good, other days are bad. Often I catch myself in moments where I say out loud “Oh my God this really happened. He’s not coming back. Some days I...
There is just something about race morning. I don’t know what it is. The thrill of racking your bike. When you hear your name called and it’s someone you haven’t seen in person in over a year. You know, those people you only see at races. Sometimes, at these local races, I don’t know whether I am at a race or a family reunion (the kind where you love your family)...
“Triathlons are really great and all, but this mountain climbing thing, that’s really neat.” Dad said just a few weeks before he died, “I couldn’t climb a mountain right now if I tried. I probably should have when I could.” He made me promise to do more of that. It dawned on me that his life had truly been dedicated to us. So much that while he did do things...
I love coming to Panama City Beach. I love everything about it. The ocean, the people, the sunsets, and this race. I have been frequenting this race on and off since 2007 for this event and Ironman Florida. I hope I can keep coming until I am 100 years old. This year my friend Hope came with me. We were set to come last year, but my son’s surgery was three days before. There was no way I...
I have learned that I am not the first person who has endured grief. I have learned that I won’t be the last. I have learned how deep grief can be, and I have learned how to grab onto the hands that have been extended to me, and I have learned to just hold the hell on. Losing Dad was certainly not my first loss. I have been through some big ones. But my Dad…. if you know me… you...
I felt so at peace standing there on the dock, waiting for the race to begin. I lined up with the 30-33 minute group, the music was loud and the sun had just risen. The swim course was laid out in front of us and we would jump off a dock, four at a time, five seconds apart when it was go time. A woman next to me explained to several of us how the airline had broken her brand new bike, and a...
Every starting line is a new opportunity. A new chance. A slate wiped clean. A place to be curious. Don’t write the end of the story before it even begins. I see athletes do this all the time. “It won’t be a PR day….. it’s hot / windy / etc”. PR’s don’t really exist if you think about it. On any given day weather can sway times. Look at the winning...
After you cross mile 2, you make a right hand turn and start ascending a long sloping hill. After another right and a little more elevation, a magnificent view of the City of Buffalo was before me. Dad owned a commercial real estate company with his business partner Jim. He never retired, he was 81 when he died. Through a small crack between two buildings I caught a glimpse of his. I smiled even...