Each journey to the starting line of an Ironman, has been a special one for me, for various reasons. I have taken on 140.6 during all phases of my adult life. With a baby, a toddler, school aged kiddo, and now an adult one. I have taken it on during so many life phases that it is honestly too tiring to list them all. At this distance I have qualified for Kona, I have DNF’d, gone sub 11...
As we drove along I could feel a bright light shining beside me. It was the sun, and it shone so bright this Thanksgiving morning. It was literally lighting up the whole sky, and as we drove I felt like it was accompanying us. One right hand turn later and it was behind us, lighting the way through these country roads. It felt like Dad. It felt warm. It felt supporting. While to some it was just...
I don’t know if you have ever stood in the middle of the woods in the fall, and taken a deep breath. Surrounded by colors only leaves can produce, breathing in the crisp air that only belongs to this time of the year. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live where there are not four seasons, where it’s 80 and sunny all the time (warm all the time, what?), there is just...
I was nervous for this one. It was nationals. You don’t come to Nationals with a laissez faire attitude. Those butterflies? They mean you care. And what do we do with them? By now, you know. We put them in formation and we let them fly. When it was my turn to go… I simply said “F*ck it. FULL SEND”. USAT Long Course Nationals was held at Harriman State Park, down near West...
I felt that feeling again as I was cruising along on the bike. Strong pace, not too hard, as if I were running off this bike. I was smiling from ear to ear as I have been all season long. Like every other race this season I felt that sometimes elusive feeling of flow, euphoria, just utter joy. I feel it off the race course too. This year though, it’s magnified by a billion. I don’t...
My Dad’s service was really small. He was a really humble and private man. He was a successful businessman who worked up until about a year ago when he was suddenly admitted to the hospital. Most people like to flaunt their success through cars, expensive clothing, and just plain bragging. Dad wore the same pair of Khaki pants, and often torn t shirts. He had a sly smile. He had the things...
When Dad died, I asked Curt to promise me that he would not let me skip any swims. I am fortunate that we swim together. Before the crack of dawn. I am also fortunate that he’s my speed. I knew that it would be critical that movement be part of my healing. Dad and I had talked about this many times, not knowing how important this would become. Grief wants you to stay in bed, pull the covers over...
I don’t know how it’s been 7 months. I don’t want to be a counter, I don’t want to count time passed because it’s only going to ever get longer. But like everyone who has experienced loss, we are counters whether we like it or not. There are days when I think “Holy sh*t he’s really not coming back” that alternate with days I feel like I have a handle on all of this. Working on Dad’s case doesn’t...
It was a running joke on every swim team I was on, in every lane I was in. If I was leading the lane and the repeat was greater than 100 yards, we would be in trouble. Inevitably I would lose count over a 200. For a long time I cursed myself on my inability to count laps in the pool. I remember apologizing to my college swim coach, “I am sorry, I just lose track over 8 lengths”. “Never lose...
“Time does not heal grief, it just teaches you how to wear it” This quote came across my Instagram feed one day, hitting home in the most direct way. I am learning the truth of this, I am feeling the truth of this. Some days are good, other days are bad. Often I catch myself in moments where I say out loud “Oh my God this really happened. He’s not coming back. Some days I...